Sanity
by EspoirDio
Summary: Set towards the end of season 5 when Niles is picking C.C. up from The Place. I'd like to think he didn't act like a complete asshat but perhaps had a little wake-up call.


**A/N: This is just a little oneshot I've been working on over the past week or so. Set towards the end of season 5. Let me know what you think :)**

Sanity

Niles Brightmore whistled to himself as he locked the town car his employer had allowed him to borrow for the day and then turned to face the Four Winds Hospital. It had seemed impossible that he'd ever enter the white painted building with the blue windows and shutters with a spring in his step. But today was a good day; at least that was what he had decided.

A couple of nurses smiled at him in passing, having become familiar with him over the course of several months that he had visited C.C. there. It was because he had so happily shared his attention with the nurses that he only realised now that she was nowhere to be seen. He let his gaze wander across the lobby once more, just to make sure that he hadn't overlooked her but the area was practically deserted. As his smile turned into a frown he approached the reception desk.

"Hi Lydia, have you seen Miss Babcock?"

"She was sitting here for a little while but then asked me to keep an eye on her luggage while she went outside."

He released the breath he'd been holding, thanked the receptionist and directed his steps out towards the other side of the building where a small garden was situated. There, she had often sought refuge when the walls of the mental hospital seemed to close in on her. He could see why she had preferred waiting there now.

The sun was shining invitingly and there was a heavy scent of lavender in the air, as he made his way down one of the little paths and towards the gazebo. He had spotted her there the minute he had set foot into the garden and although her blue eyes had quickly flickered away, he knew that she had seen him too. Feeling a giddy sense of excitement bubbling up inside him once more, he increased his pace and opened his mouth to address her when she cut him off.

"You're late…"

A re-assuring glance at his watch confirmed that he wasn't but he shrugged it off.

"You don't seem to mind the sunshine," he pointed out and took a seat next to her on the bench.

"But I don't appreciate being kept waiting," she insisted.

He wanted to remark on the swift return to her usual self but then saw that one of her hands was gripping onto the edge of the bench and he decided to swallow the comment down for now. Instead he allowed silence to gently course between them as it had done on several of his visits and eventually asked: "Are you ready, Miss Babcock?"

Her eyes drifted across the sea of flowers in front of her and then to the building she had been assigned to for the past few months and played the question over in her head. The psychiatrists seemed to think she was ready, so did the nurses and Dr Bort who had paid her a final visitation the previous day. And even in Niles' voice she could hear the expectation. But was she truly ready? Her throat constricted and she grabbed the edge of the bench even tighter. When she had first been admitted to this place she never would've guessed that she would one day struggle to leave; not because she was lacking in mental well-being but because she was lacking in courage and in strength. Here at the hospital, the daily expectations were manageable. Out there in the real world it would be all too simple to fail again and sink back into that hole she somehow had managed to pull herself out of. And if that were to happen once more, she wasn't sure she'd manage such a miraculous escape a second time.

"Yes, let's go." She confirmed and even though a tooth buried itself nervously in her bottom lip, her voice did not betray her.

Niles reached across to give her hand a little squeeze and then stood up and headed back down the path he had just come from. He didn't look back to check if she was following him and for that she was silently grateful. This way she got to take in the tranquillity of the garden one last time, running her hands over flower petals in passing just as she had done multiple times before when the need had been high to come in contact with something palpably good and simple about this life she was resigned to.

Once inside she spared a weak smile for the receptionist and then caught up with Niles by the entrance.

"Is this everything?" he asked, pointing to the suitcase and the handbag at his feet.

"Yes, unfortunately I only managed to pack light," she replied pointedly, then swept up her purse and pushed past him.

Just as he had done with her previous comment, Niles decided to brush it off and only chuckled to himself before following her. She'd recognised Maxwell's town car, of course, and was impatiently tapping her nails against the exterior.

"Don't ruin the paint," he instructed gently, opened the trunk and then lifted her suitcase inside.

"Why not? Won't daddy let you borrow his car anymore?" she taunted him and he shrugged.

"Probably not, no."

As her eyebrows knitted into a frown, her tapping became more incessant. "Really, Niles? No come-back? How will I ever have a sense of normalcy if you treat me with kitten gloves?"

"I'm sure you're used to begging," he tossed out, in a lame attempt to get the ball rolling again.

He could tell that she was disappointed and so he quickly unlocked the car for her, buying himself a little bit of time in the progress. Taking her insults with bravado had become easy enough by now but returning to that sense of normalcy? Surely the insults would write themselves as they had always done, but could he risk breaking her again? Because at the end of the day, Niles wasn't sure about his own role in her undoing. Had he teased her too much when he should've supported her? Had his own jealousy because of her feelings for Maxwell pushed him to such extremes that he had seriously hurt her? If so, surely it couldn't be healthy for them to return to old behavioural patterns.

"Are you coming or what?" C.C. called and tore him out of his thoughts. She had rolled down her window and was looking decidedly impatient.

"Yes…yes…" he muttered, made himself walk to his side of the car and slipped inside.

They remained silent again while he slid the key into ignition and started pulling out of the car park. But he noticed her watching the hospital shrinking away from the wing mirror. There was a sort of melancholy in her eyes that he hadn't expected to see and that only disappeared an hour later when the familiar skyline of New York came into view. Her whole posture changed, became tenser somehow as if she was readying herself for battle. It had taken him a while and a lot of conversations with the nurses at the hospital to realise how much C.C. expressed through her body language, how subtle changes could inform him about everything he needed to know without having to request an explanation.

"Would you like me to drive you straight to your penthouse?" he asked, shifting his eyes back onto the road.

"Where else?" she shrugged and then added while feigning surprise "Maxwell didn't organise a welcome-back-party for me?"

She laughed harshly and he felt compelled to glance at her once more. It was painful to see that she'd only been back to the city for a few minutes and was already so conflicted. He knew that she wouldn't have enjoyed a party and all the attention it would've given her but he also knew that a small part of her would've appreciated the gesture. C.C. Babcock was a lot of things but stupid wasn't one of them. Of course she could put two and two together and surmise that Maxwell was far too busy with his wedding to show some consideration towards her.

"Tell me why I shouldn't have just stayed there," she suddenly demanded to his surprise.

"Because you're better now," he offered weakly, knowing in advance that his answer wouldn't satisfy her.

She didn't comment but let out another bitter laugh. "Nothing has changed, Niles. I slipped out of their lives and now I'm slipping back in again…completely invisible."

"That…that's not true," he tried again "they noticed that you were missing. The business-"

"Screw the business, Niles," she snapped "I'm more than just the business, I am more than the skills I have to offer to Sheffield-Babcock productions. Don't even start Niles…"

He hurriedly closed his mouth again and allowed her to continue.

"Nobody back there likes me…Sara was the only one who did."

There was a perfectly good zinger right there but he refused to take it. "They are just a little…taken aback by your behaviour. They don't know how to handle it. You must admit you're not the most approachable of people…"

"So what?" she scoffed "Do I really have to throw myself into some flashy ensemble and scream "Me! Me! Me!" to get their attention? Is that all it takes? Just because I choose not to share every pathetic snippet of my life, every detail about my family does not mean I don't need someone who'd be willing to listen to me."

Her chest had begun to rise and fall quicker and now that she was seemingly out of words, an awkward silence enveloped the car. She'd never told him this much before and now clearly seemed embarrassed. And he was uncertain of what to say next. He knew what it felt like to yearn for some kind of recognition without having to ask for it but wasn't sure if she would believe him or if it would make thing any easier for her. He risked another small glance in her direction and carefully voiced: "I'd be happy to listen, Miss Babcock."

The shock of his unexpected announcement first caused her eyes to widen and then made her withdraw completely. As she swivelled in her seat to face the window, she let out a scoff of contempt. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? More ammunition for you."

She wasn't sure what motivated her to be so cruel to him, perhaps she was still too embarrassed about her previous outburst. But as much as she wanted to believe him, she also didn't want another person close enough to place more expectations on her. Because that was what would inevitably happen. At first he might manage to give her space and simply listen to her, but eventually he'd grow tired of this chore that meant keeping her sane. Sooner or later he would expect her to cope well enough on her own now, to manage. No, another person would not make it easier for her to maintain her sanity.

As the town car got swallowed up in one of the gorges between the rows of skyscrapers, shadows and street lights danced across her face. It gave her an unreal sensation of night-time even though it was still early on in the afternoon, that she had come to associate with New York and that summed up her turbulent feelings perfectly. Not long now until they would reach Park Avenue and her penthouse, not long now until the silence that she simultaneously waited for and dreaded would return.

She closed her eyes, pushing the lingering questions away, and only opened them again when she felt the car slowing down.

"Here we are," Niles announced unnecessarily but clambered out of the vehicle before she could release yet another scorching remark.

He then lifted her suitcase out of the trunk and waited at the curb until she was ready to step outside as well. Finally emerging, she tried to grab the handle of the suitcase wordlessly but he shook his head. "I'll help you carry it upstairs."

"Is Maxwell paying you extra for that?" she asked coolly and brushed past him now and he chuckled.

"You know very well, Miss Babcock that nobody pays their men more generously than you do."

It was a backhanded compliment that brought the first real smile to her face and enabled both of them to relax while they stepped into the elevator.

C.C. was glad that they didn't bump into any neighbours. She wasn't overly fond of chit chat but more importantly didn't know how much they had managed to find out about her disappearance and her whereabouts in the past few months. When they reached the door she allowed Niles to open it for her because she was still lost in thoughts. Then the lack of noise caught up with her and she peered into every corner of her penthouse as inconspicuously as she could, in search for her little Pomeranian.

"Chester is still at the kennel," Niles explained who had noticed her glances and then added somewhat more carefully "Miss Fine thought you might want to get settled first."

"I am surprised Nanny Fine found enough time in her busy schedule to take yet more decisions out of my hands," C.C. spat out venomously and walked back to the front door to discard her shoes and hang up her coat.

She had counted on the presence of the little fur ball to keep her company and now she felt cheated, cheated by a woman who had already ruined so many things for her.

"I'll leave you to it then," Niles said quietly, figuring that it might be best for him to remain in the background but before he had even reached the front door, he changed his mind. "Actually…Miss Babcock, I know precisely what it is like to be invisible. I have served this family day and night for almost 20 years and have never received much recognition. I know that it was us who held it all together after Mrs Sheffield had passed and I know how ignorant Mr Sheffield can be. But these are secondary characters; not unimportant by any means but we shouldn't waste our energy when we know we won't receive much in return. But what I hate, C.C., what I am truly angry about is my own stupidity. I knew you were struggling but I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know how to handle myself and so instead of helping you, I dropped you further into that mess and I am sorry for what I've caused."

He stopped abruptly, as embarrassed by his sudden outburst as she had been earlier on about hers. He wanted to glance up at her, to try and read what kind of impression she had of him now, but was too afraid to risk it.

But C.C.'s face was indecipherable in anyway because she hadn't expected and now didn't know what to make of his words. His continuous support at the hospital had told her that he cared about her in some way but she hadn't been aware that he had felt responsible. Her conversations with Dr Bort and the various nurses had shown to her that she did hold him accountable for some aspects of her breakdown but by no means all of them.

"Don't flatter yourself, butler boy," she eventually replied, wearing a small and barely visible smile "you're not that important."

At first he met her eyes with such a look of hurt on her face that she wanted to roll her eyes at him impatiently but then he seemed to catch her meaning. His body relaxed against the door and he produced a boyish smile. "Well, as unimportant as I might be…if you ever need company…"

"Don't you know that you can't just replace an old dog with a new one?" she teased and settled down on the sofa "Now close that door and make me a cup of tea."

Happily he toed off his shoes and made his way over to the couch as well. "You'll be making your own bloody tea until you throw me a bone, Babcock."

And while C.C. was trying to come up with a suitable rebuttal it occurred to her that perhaps this weird relationship that she had with Niles would be the key to her sanity.


End file.
